So...
Three stories, three interesting characters. I have to say, three not
very pleasant individuals to varying degrees - a political coward, a
mob-boss's murderous ex and a boy with a dangerous fascination for
death.
BODY POLITIC - by Alaric
A well told, fairly straight forward tale. A nice mirroring of a
childhood cricket game with the "game" of intra-party political
wrangling. Showing that despite his best efforts he'd not really changed
in forty years. He was still the man who'd rather lose looking like a
team player than try to win and risk his own reputation.
I found the story a little dry, but that's the subject matter as much as
anything - cricket and politics not high in my personal list of
interests. I did think some of the language sounded authentic for a old
Tory. I also liked the phone conversation. It was spare and understated
and I like that. It also seemed to fit the characters - two men who a)
had known each other so long and b) knew the how the political machine
works would not need to waste much verbiage and they didn't so that was
nice.
And the shortening of the shadow was an effective image to begin and end
on.
"Above the garden, the sun was high. Across it, his shadow was short and
blunt."
--
DEVIL'S TRUTH by Amanda
This was an interesting piece that packed a lot of tone into a short
space. If I'm honest it felt over-written at times, too much
conspicuously described detail, but there were also moments when it was
effective. For the most part the voices of the characters resonated and
didn't feel clunky, which can be a trap with a more colloquial style.
I confess I didn't much care for the ending. People who either die, are
already dead or turn out murderers are too much of a cliche for me in
short stories. Though having said that, you did a good job of setting up
Wily as the dangerous one, only to switch it.
"Ames" was a strange choice of name for a boy. I think you could have
pulled it off in a longer piece but I think you needed more short-cuts.
His serious manner, his apparent beyond-his-years wisdom and his speech
generally made me forget how young he was.
On a similar note, it took seven paragraphs to introduce the name Wily
and I found earlier references to "the other man" confusing.
But like the train, the story rattled along pretty quickly. I wasn't
bored. You took me on a ride, even if I'm not sure I liked the company
and the destination ;)
'Ames shrugged. "He didn't want to be alive no more. That's just the way
things are."'
--
GO FIGURE - by Wildepad
I may owe you an apology if I gave the impression that the choice of
prompt was somehow im****tant. I asked about it merely out of curiosity,
however I'm judging the stories not the choice of quote. In fact I've
not yet read your preamble because I didn't want to be influenced by it.
I hope you don't feel that's somehow unfair.
What we have here is perhaps the start to an intriguing novel. I say
that because the pace is quite leisurely for a story this length. It has
a theme, that of accounting, that's used as a device all the way
through. Whilst that didn't always work for me I appreciated the idea.
The exposition is very clear and straight forward. Perhaps too
much so as it seems to make the story too straight-ahead. The story goes
in one direction, explaining Jane and her background, then there's a
twist - her second betrayal - and then that plays out to the end. All of
which was competently done, but again I felt like I was reading the
first chapter of a novel rather than a short story.
There were a few nice touches along the way,
"... the Witness Protection Program had created a life for her out of
thin air and old paper."
--
RESULTS
I mentioned to a friend last night that I was doing this and she asked
me what I would do if there was a story that best fulfilled the
requirements but another that was the better story overall. Fortunately
I don't have to deal with that dilemma since the winning story was both
the best glimpse into someone's heart and mind, and the most satisfying
read. Not by much, the other two were worthy efforts, but in the end I
plumped for cricket, Conservatives and shortening shadows.
Well done Alaric and my thanks again to Amanda and Wildepad for
entering.
--
Shuggie
....and if you think *that's* cool you should read my blog,
http://shuggie.wordpress.com/
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