In an effort to breathe a little life into this weakened group.
The Cor****ation
Barry Aitchison
Gabe was late, but that wasn’t unusual for Gabe. Gabe was a chaotic
product
of his own disorganisation. He hated tying up loose ends and it was those
ends that often made him late. Still, running late was no big deal, except
when the boss was waiting and Gabe could see him, fuming, through the gold
logo on the boardroom window.
“Elohim, Hoshua and Geist,” the logo boasted to anyone with the balls to
open the doors, and it said it with all the provocative overstatement that
gold-leaf does. But with EHG, that was just the start. Old Elohim was the
sort of dictatorial boss that died out with the Big Bang. They say Hoshua
was better, but these days he was rarely seen in the corridors of power.
Geist was the one who breathed life into EHG.
Gabe opened the polished oak doors and scurried in, briefcase like a
****eld
to signify he’d been slaving for the company beyond the call of duty.
“Good of you to come,” said Elohim, in a voice of distant thunder. “We
regret being an inconvenience to you. Tell us you have a new client. It
will
save us sending you to hotter climes.”
Gabe placed the briefcase carefully on the Cedars of Lebanon table. “Sir,
you’ll be delighted with my news. I have contacted the ones you sought and
I’m
close to signing them up.”
“I wish I had a ****ny new star for every time you promised that, Gabe.”
Geist’s voice was like a zephyr rustling tender leaves.
“That’s the spirit, Geist,” said Elohim, “and you shall have them.”
Hoshua stood up and strolled around the boardroom table to where Gabe was
searching a ****tfolio. “Well, Gabe,” said Hoshua, “Are those new clothes?
Sorry, but haven’t I mentioned you can’t get in here if you show off your
wealth so extravagantly?”
Gabe had opened his mouth to go straight into his marketing spiel, but
Hoshua’s words left him simply open-mouthed.
“Well,” said Hoshua, “you’re here now, even if you are dressed like a
rather
naughty boy, so you might as well get on with it. You said you had a
contact
with who?”
“Leave it, son. It was a pet project of mine,” said Elohim. “It didn’t
work
out, so let’s just treat the proposal the normal way.”
“Fine by me,” said Hoshua, showing the palms of his hands. “You’re the
man,
El.”
“Enough of the insults. Well, Gabe, get on with it,” said Elohim. “What do
the ingrates want?”
“They want to move in here, sir. Oh, they’ll tell you a cock and bull
story
about seeking truth and other existential stuff, but when push comes to
shove, it’s what they really want.”
Hoshua was toying with an old wound to his hand. Gabe’s words made him
pause. “Have they no admirable qualities at all, Gabe? That saddens me.
Surely you noticed one.”
Gabe examined the floor. “Well, I did notice they used a lot of maxims,
sir.”
“Wonderful,” cried Hoshua, rubbing his hands together. “Quickly now, share
them with us.”
Gabe consulted his notes. “Here’s one. It’s a dog eat dog world.”
“Extraordinary concept!” murmured Hoshua. “Of course, it’s allegorical.”
“Beautiful!” breathed Geist.
“What the two fires of hell does it mean?” Elohim was sketching on a
writing
pad.
“What does it mean? It seems obvious to me, sir. It means a people who are
self-consuming.”
“Oh, dear,” said Hoshua, “that sounds quite appalling.”
“Surely the dears do not eat themselves?” queried Geist.
Elohim examined an ancient pocket watch complete with golden chain. “Get
on
with it, Gabriel. What’s this nonsense about moving in here? Who’s
brilliant
plan was this?”
Gabe hand began to shake. His head drooped and everything else about him
drooped. “It was— I mean, I don’t want to— But then, again— I—“
“GABRIEL!” boomed Elohim.
“Him!” said Gabe, pointing to Hoshua.
“Me?” squealed Hoshua.
“I’ve told you before, son, you’re far too easy going. You can’t run this
place on the feely touchy principle. An eye for an eye, that’s the
ticket.”
“I didn’t do anything,” cried Hoshua.
“Sure, like you didn’t tell those worthless cretins that if they behaved
like children you’d let them loose in here? Stupid, Hosh, stupid.”
“I was trying to make a difference,” said Hoshua. “It’s not that they lack
intelligence—“
Geist made that tut-tutting sound that annoyed the others. “Oh, Ho****e,
they
do, son, they do! I mean, give them a set of golden rules to follow,
really
good ones, and in five minutes there will be a thousand sets, all
different,
and there’ll be a fight going on over which is the true set.”
Elohim sniffed. “For my money, they can go to the devil.”
“Can we discuss this?” said Hoshua.
“In a pig’s eye, Hosh. I gave them a perfect place and then had to kick
them
out. I know you didn’t agree, Hosh, but rules are rules. If we reward
those
who break rules, we may as well pack up and move.”
“Move where?” asked Geist. “You know the rest is just painted on. Anyway,
it
isn’t all about you. We are supposed to be equals on all this yet you
always
make the decision on your own.”
“That’s true, Father,” said Hoshua, smirking. “You do hog the spotlight.”
Elohim thumped the table so hard a crack ran from north to south. “And
what
have you two ever done to prove yourselves?”
“Father, not in front of the staff.”
Elohim sagged. “Don’t you worry about Gabe, he’s a real angel. It’s you I
worry about. How you can defend those pea-brains like you do beats the
hell
out of me. I made them. I gave them everything. All they had to do was
follow one simple rule. Then Luc goes in there and does what he has to do
and suddenly they’re following him around like he a bloody messiah. He’s
such a s****, that fellow. Anyway, I made them live a life of misery for
awhile, just to teach them a lesson, then I sent you in to do that
forgiving
bull****.”
Elohim was sweating as he stood to lean across the table. “You had to
grandstand, didn’t you? You had to be a star. All you needed was to show
who
runs the place, but could you do that quietly?”
“Father, do you know what they did to me?”
“You asked for it, Sun****ne. You had those dagos hanging out of their
tree.
Well, they got you well and truly, didn’t they?”
“Sure! I haven’t been able to swim as good since.”
“We have to get back to what we do best,” said Elohim. “That means
forgetting the other loonies and going with one lot. What were those
big-nosed whinging troublemakers called?”
“What have the English to do with it? Look, don’t do this, Father,” wailed
Hosh. “Everything is different these days. I’ve got my own team. Have you
seen what they have to offer?”
“No, but quite a few little boys have.”
“I’m sorry, Father, but if you do this, I’m going back to them. I’ll
forsake
my position with the cor****ation, dissolve the partner****p, and live a
simple life with the faithful.”
“Oh, diddums,” said Elohim, “what’s that expression they use, Gabe? Spit
the
doodah?”
“Dummy!”
“Gabriel!” exploded Elohim. “You forget yourself.”
Gabriel squealed as he fluttered into the air to avoid a bolt of
lightning.
“No, that’s the word you wanted, Boss.”
Elohim scratched his golden hair. “Damn, so it is. Sorry, Gabe. Spit the
dummy? Language was sure wasted on that lot.”
“I find the phrase quite charming,” said Hoshua, “not to mention
‘meaningful’.”
“Oh, sure, but then everything is meaningful to you, right, Jo****e? Like a
briar for a crown? Like a good scourge? Like iron spikes through your
hands
and feet? When are you going to wake up, son? That lot kills heroes.”
“I already told you they didn’t know what they were doing?”
“Which ‘they’ are we talking about? The dagos or the weeping, wailing,
belligerents?”
“Weeping, wail-- Father, they’re your chosen people. Anyway, I’m not into
division.”
“Ha! It was your idea for this three equals one crap. What idiot would
believe that?”
It was Hoshua’s turn to tut-tut. “You are so behind the times, Father.
Everything is mystical these days. It’s modern. If you want to flog it,
there needs to be mystery to it.”
Elohim laughed, like a rumbling storm. “You mean like the mystery around
your conception? Poor old Geist copped the blame for that. These days
they’d
get a DNA and that dago centurion would be in big trouble.”
Geist’s high-pitched giggle made Hosh blink momentarily, then tears began
playing peekaboo.
“You can be so nasty, Father. You hate me, I know. You never forgave me
for
having a bigger following that you or Geist. Is it my fault they love me?
Love is everything.”
“Love? Poppycock! An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth!” cried Elohim.
“Yes, please,” breathed Geist, “oh, I do so love a decent massacre. Blood
and gore and rape.”
“Really, you two are so history. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”
Elohim winked at Geist. “Why not go back to that following and see how
they
welcome you.”
“Don’t think I won’t!”
“Tell me, son, what was it you complained of last time you went?”
Hosh rubbed his chin. “You mean like I couldn’t walk on water?”
“There was no love, was what you said,” gushed Geist.
Hoshua folded his arms in a tight defence. “Two thousand years and you two
are still harping on the same old **** from way back. **** never happened
to
you jerks. What would you two know? But no, it’s pick, pick, pick, day
after
day, year after year. Well, that’s it! I have had enough. I am going back
this time. They want me. I know it.”
Elohim sighed. “Speak to him, Geist. I don’t understand young people
anymore. Tell him the way things are with that lot he favours.”
“Well, OK,” began Geist, “which version of yourself would you like to go
down as, Hosh?”
“That’s a silly question? There’s just the one you see in front of you.”
That answer brought the other two to roll about laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“Well,” said Geist, “at last count there were 97 variants of you, each
with
a hundred options. Let me see, what would you say was the most im****tant
thing your followers should do?”
Hoshua flopped into a chair. “Oh, I’ve always said it, obey the law.”
“Yes, but which law?” asked Elohim.
“This is silly. Your law, of course, Father. The Halakha!”
“Ah, but that’s Jewish and you’re no Jew any more, Hoshua. Those were
Chosen
Ones’ laws.”
A silly smile turned up the corners of Hoshua’s mouth. “I get it. What is
it
April Fool’s Day? C’mon, why the weak jokes?”
“No joke,” said Geist, “one of your followers did a make-over on your
little
setup.”
Hoshua was shaking his head, a big smile stretching his mouth. “That would
never happen. Why the rabbis would have been screaming their lungs out.
Who
do you accuse of this?”
“Well, go why don’t you?” said Elohim. “Go back and proclaim yourself.”
“Don’t think I won’t.”
“Hey, Ho****e,” said Geist, holding a ****trait, “have a look at this.
Recognise this character?”
“It’s a Roman. What’s that red thing stuck on his chest?”
“That’s his sacred heart, apparently.”
“Oh, yuk, you mean they cut it out and nailed it to his chest?”
Geist whispered in his ear.
“Me? That brown haired benzona is supposed to be me?”
“What’s the matter, son, you don’t like how they ****tray you?”
“It’s not like any Jew I know.”
“Oh, really?” Geist said. “You’ll be hopelessly confused in Jerusalem
these
days.”
“Father? Geist? What should I do? I’m a failure. I let them do some
really
nasty stuff because you said I should. They were waiting for a messiah,
you
said. I did everything for them. Changed some bad water into some Chateau
Merde. Made lunch for a nice crowd of 5 thousand or so. Did they
appreciate
me? Nothing I do is ever good enough for them.”
“Son, don’t blubber. It isn’t good for any son of god to be doing ****
like
that. Look, me and Geist having been thinking about moving for months now.
This place is ruined.”
“Well, I did warn you about Americans, did I not. Where are we going?”
Elohim waved to know where in particular. “Out there, where ever peace
exists, let us build a new life together.”
“What about my followers? Can they come with us?”
“I hate to do this, son, but— Oh, you tell him, Geist.”
Geist drifted across to Hoshua. “You don’t really have any followers,
Hosh.
The church you’re thinking of are the one’s setup by your brother. They
disappeared nearly two thousand years ago.”
“What?” said Hoshua, with a catch to his voice. “What happened to them?”
Elohim squatted by Hoshua. “Remember the Pharisee you met on the road to
Damascus? “
“You mean Saul? He threw a hissy fit, didn’t he?”
“That’s the one. Actually they call a hissy fit epilepsy these days.”
“It was his job to kill the Christians. But we weren’t Christians, were
we?”
Elohim put an arm around Hoshua. “Don’t worry, son, we’ll find a quiet
place
where you can do what you’ve been doing all that time. You seem to like
praying five times every day. OK, go pack and don’t forget the prayer
mat.”
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